I write a lot about saying goodbye to Jonah. It’s something that has taken hold of my life in a way I never expected, and carrying his spirit on is something I’m very proud of doing even while I fight through it every day. Stories about things we learned along the way both to bring the memory to life but also to give access to a type of pregnancy and delivery that not many people experience, and lessons I’d have taught him. Something I haven’t gotten into very much, though, is the beginning.
Before we ever said goodbye, we said hello. We were nervous at our first appointment, going back to the same office that we had for Luke – even being in the room next to it a couple of times as they went on. Jonah would show us things that would give us glimpses here and there, showing us bits of his personality. At one ultrasound we found him playing with the umbilical cord plain as day. It took us all a minute to figure out exactly what was happening, but watching his little arms moving back and forth was pretty neat. We tried several times to get a profile shot of his face or even to see it straight-on during a 3D attempt, but he was determined to keep us from it despite our efforts. While we were trying to decipher his gender and see all his little features, he wouldn’t budge. I swear, they could have had Cassy do jumping jacks and he’d have held on like he had a saddle in there! Still, to this day, it’s incredible how comfortable he was. She could feel him shift and turn but he’d always settle right back in, getting in his cuddle time… just like his momma.
It’s easy to sit here and remember the way he looked because it was tangible. We held him and felt his weight. Bathed him. I rocked him in that chair and Cassy kept him close. It’s even easier for me to walk through all those things I would loved to have taught him – throwing baseballs or learning to read for example. But remembering all those little things gives a real sense of who he was already. He was both playful and stubborn, just like his dad; given time I know without a doubt he’d have been as goofy. He LOVED having down time, getting in his cuddles and keeping warm like Cassy does. Lord knows he’d have been as good-hearted as she is. Such a tiny little boy… already knew how to love and play and hold on tight to the things he wanted. The simplicity that goes along with that is something I envy.
We spend so much time building things up and complicating them that we take the joy out of our lives. Every decision is treated with such gravity that it could shake our foundation. Take some time to focus on boiling things down; strip adulting out of it. Give yourself some time to play or draw or build or just sit and watch. Finding the joy in my life has been a hard thing to find, but it’s there. My goal is to find a love like Jonah’s: simple and true.
I hope you can find it too