My grief counselor “graduated” me from sessions yesterday. I have the option to keep going for a bit if I’d like and I can always make a refresher appointment or send her an email, but that was it. If I’m being fully honest with myself it makes me anxious. I haven’t always found my sessions to be productive, but lately I’ve been leaning on them as a check/balance to gauge how things… and now I’m on my own.
Going through this process I’ve realized I feel so many different ways about the same thing, just based on the moment I’m in. I see friends taking photos of their babies – friends who I care deeply about and want to continue to see pictures of, by the way – and I’m jealous. Sometimes angry. I drive around town and see tee ball or little kid soccer games and wonder whether or not Jonah would like sports… and cry a little. Not always, but still more often than not. Most mornings I go into the nursery to spend some time with him and hope that my friends with tiny children do everything they can to absorb every little thing because some of us don’t have that opportunity yet, and many never will.
But the thing I’m most anxious about is what happens now. Where do I go from here? Timing is everything, but isn’t all encompassing. We all deal with real life scenarios that cause such a wide range of emotions on any given day, and we all struggle with that next step. Every single day we put on foot in front of the other, but it isn’t always intentional. So what do we do?
Start from where you are.
Whatever you feel today, however you want to feel it, it’s ok. There are days you can’t function and days you won’t. There are days you want to remember and days you will fight not to. You are entitled to the way you feel and to the time you need to go through whatever hardships you have in your life, but realize also that it is a starting place and not the end of a journey. Every day is full of little choices we make that direct the course of our lives, and those little decisions build up into big ones. So start from this place where your heart is today, put one foot in front of the other, and make some sort of forward progress because everything is temporary. Be intentional about the things you say and do on this day and all of the ones that follow, because every day we get is a gift.
When I look back at our time with Jonah I have to sort through the range of emotions that come with the entire process, but one thing Cassy and I felt more strongly about than anything was to enjoy every kick and roll because nothing is guaranteed. We were intentional about our love for our son, and the dividends that choice has paid can never be measured. But afterwards, on those days where I feel so small and so dark, I have to step back and realize that where I am is just another stop along the way. I have to start where I am to move forward.