One month today

My sweet Jonah,

Hard to believe it’s been a month since we first saw you… in all honesty it’s been hard to know what to do with myself. Everything changed when you came into his world, but somehow nothing has. We still had an empty nursery. I still miss the chance to participate in fatherhood. We still have to go through the same routines, knowing when we come home the same things will happen… the worst thing I can imagine is not feeling you around me. I wear you daily, taking you to new places and helping me get through every day, but it isn’t what we wanted – this wasn’t in the plan. Mommy is thinking about going to church tomorrow for the first time and I’m not sure that’s what I’m ready for. To go to a place that I’m supposed to feel safe, to be thankful for what I have and to trust in His plan – even when I don’t like or understand it – but I can’t help but feel jealous that He gets to see you and we don’t. That my life will be one spent without my boy… it doesn’t fit. Somehow we’ll find the way but until then know I’m here searching for you, trying to feel you every day. Papa loves you

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