And the Winner is…

Isolation. Depression. Loneliness. Heartache. The things we all hope to never experience are the things I’ve been surrounded by for too long now. Family member diagnosed with advanced stage cancer. Three grandparents die within two months. Family drifts apart. Family member dies from cancer. Lose a pregnancy at an unlikely stage. Two best friends move away. Six month old puppy dies. Dad moves away in a way we wouldn’t have preferred. More issues with family. New pregnancy is diagnosed with many, many defects and likely a significant and devastating syndrome. I don’t exactly know how or why all of these things happened to us within a two year period, but I can tell you it wasn’t me who won. I’m having a hard enough time fighting thoughts of destruction to find myself again let alone finding a place where I can take care of my siblings and my own family without feeling obligated to. I love these people, and that is the reason I’m fighting… but I don’t know how I can take losing our baby boy. Less than eight weeks until his due date which may mean less than eight weeks to experience his movements, his hiccups, and to let him hear what true love sounds like instead of frustration and heartache… and all I can muster is an I love you and some tummy kisses. I’m sorry if one day you look down on me and I disappoint you, precious Jonah. I’m fighting with everything I have and loving with everything that’s left, and I hope that’ll be enough

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